Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
