I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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