I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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