please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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