My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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