My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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