It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
