these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Randomize
