She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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