Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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