You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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