that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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