all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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