I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
my poor anus
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
