gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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