If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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