Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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