Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
