He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I am naked and annoyed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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