You're so nebulous sometimes
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
