I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Welp...herpes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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