i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
