Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
