So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
