oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
