I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
