so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
