I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
