He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
