she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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