I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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