We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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