well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
