she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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