im six kinds of drunk right now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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