I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
