The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
