Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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