my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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