Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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