I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
