The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
