Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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