Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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