I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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