she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Randomize
