Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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