the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
