I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
