omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
