my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
